*Guest Blogger* Our Story and Forgiveness

  I wrote the following way back in 1995.  Long before I ever knew of Rachelle or what my life would entail.  I used to write a lot of poems and just various writings.  It was a cathartic process and many times what might look like a writing directed towards someone in particular, really wasn't.  Often, they were just dreams of what I wanted my life to look like.

Without My Heaven

My life has had its ups and downs
The Kings and Queens their broken crowns
But if all of this stands tall and true
Then tell me just why I have you
    Someone who cares and feels my pain
To put up with me and still be sane
    Without you in my life
To help me through the toils and strife
Would be close to never and next to no way
That I would make it through one more day
    The love you give to me each night
Gives me hope that I just might
Hold on to you forever and then
End each night with a grateful AMEN

Then, on August 4th, 2004, I found her.  The one girl that I wanted to spend my life with.  I knew Rachelle way before that night.  We originally met at Cannon Air Force Base, New Mexico at a Squadron Christmas Party in 1998.  She was going to school at Texas Tech University in Lubbock and was dating a co-worker friend of mine.  Rachelle does not remember meeting me, but I do remember her.  It was a brief introduction, but I remember thinking she was pretty damn hot.

  Fast forward a few months and I am now stationed at Yokota Air Base, Japan, and as luck would have it, again with her boyfriend.  She had come to visit him and, once again, we met.  She remembers this one.  We exchanged email addresses and became email buddies.  She would forward funny or poignant emails on occasion and vice versa.  She sent me an invitation to her graduation from college (I never did send her a gift).  We were long distance acquaintances, if nothing else.

 At some point, Rachelle and her boyfriend broke up.  He got out of the Air Force, I lost contact with him and then I moved on to Spangdahlem Air Base, Germany.  After two years in Germany, I was getting ready to move to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.  I bought a brand new Ford Ranger and it was to be delivered to a dealership in Austin, Texas (for the life of me I have never figured out why they delivered it to Austin instead of San Antonio... but damn am I glad that they did).  I remembered that Rachelle was now living in Austin, so I sent her an email asking her if she could pick me up at the airport.  For her troubles I would take her to dinner.  I arrived in Austin on the 4th of August and somehow we missed each other in the terminal (knowing her she was probably in the bathroom).  I called her once I got down to baggage claim and did not see her.  She was upstairs and said she would be right down.  When I saw her at the top of the stairs, I knew that I had to date her... or maybe I was just horny and wanted to get laid... it was a long time ago and I do not remember that level of detail ;-).
 We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill.  I sweet talked my way into spending the night in her bed.  I was too scared to try anything and I never touched her.  She later told me that if I had she would have beat the shit out of me and never talked to me again.  The next day she picked me up at her apartment and took me to get my truck.  She went back to work, but told me I was welcome to stay at her apartment until she got home from work, but then she had to go to her second job.  I had no where else to be and I still wanted to try to work my magic, so I stayed.  I met her at her second job when she got off and we decided we needed to go eat dinner.  She jokingly asked if she could drive my brand spankin' new truck.   I said yes and she just gave me this 'are you serious? look'.  We traded keys and we took off.  I stayed the night for a second night in a row, but my smooth moves (lol) were not really getting me anywhere.  OK, I did not even attempt anything remotely resembling flirting... she was quite intimidating.
 I woke up the next morning and drove to San Antonio, but I could not get this beautiful girl off of my mind.  I'm pretty sure I called her every day and we agreed that I could visit her over the weekend. She called it stalking, I called it pursuing.  She told me that she would never date a smoker.  I quit.  For the next couple of weeks we took turns at making the hour and a half trek to see each other.
 It was about three weeks later that we finally kissed. 
 We had a whirlwind romance and three months later we started making plans for our wedding.  We said our vows in front of our friends, family, and God on October 15, 2005.  Less than two years later, we welcomed L into this world and three months after that I went to Korea for a year.  July 24th, 2008 we received our Fragile X diagnosis... we were three months pregnant with K.

 Fast forward to some point after K was born and I started losing sight of the vows I made.  I withdrew, I became depressed.  I never was very good about helping with the upkeep of the house, but it got worse.  That is a period of my life that is very foggy.  I just sank into my hole and nothing could bring me out.  I could tell it was taking a toll on Rachelle and there were times that I tried, I really did try... but my hole was too deep.  I was sure that I lost Rachelle and that we were only staying together because it was easier that way. It was easier to stay together than it was to get divorced, THAT was the only thing keeping us together.  I was sure that I did not love her as my wife and that she did not love me as her husband.  I had convinced myself that we had love for each other as the mother and father of our children, nothing more, simple as that.
 This was no way to live, so I began making plans for divorce.  I picked out an apartment, I had figured out a budget and how much I would give Rachelle each month.  The only thing I had not decided on was when I would leave her.  For all intents and purposes, I was living an entirely separate life away from Rachelle.  She knew we were not well, but she had no clue how far away I really was.
 May 23rd and 24th, 2012 - It all came to a head.  We finally talked.  I had gotten so wrapped up in my job, our children, the Fragile X world.  I was so wrapped up in everything EXCEPT for Rachelle, that we failed to communicate the way we needed to.  We laid it all on the line and it was anything but pretty.  I told her everything.  I was absolutely positive that she would not want me in her life anymore.  I had betrayed her love, I had lied to her, there was no reason for her to WANT to stay married to me any longer.  No reason except for her immeasurable love for me.  Rachelle NEVER, not for a single moment, stopped loving me.  Not once did she ever NOT want me to be her husband... but I lost sight of that, big time. 
  I screwed up big time and it cost us both a lot.  It cost us some good friends who may never forgive me.  It cost Rachelle and I time.  Time that we will never get back.
  Since that day, we have made wonderful progress.  We are both happy, happier than we have ever been in fact.  I have renewed my faith and will continue my spiritual walk, with Rachelle's help and with the help of some very dear friends.  The one thing that will always stick with me is when Rachelle looked at me with such intense hurt in her eyes and said, "I forgive you."  
  I will live the rest of my life making it up to her because I never again want to forget that I made a promise to her - To Have and To Hold From This Day Forward, For Better or For Worse, For Richer, For Poorer, In Sickness and In Health, To Love and To Cherish; From This Day Forward Until Death Do Us Part.

I Want You to Know

Last night, we went to Rudy's BBQ for dinner.  This is a place we enjoy as a family, a place we've been to many, many times in the past 5 years.  The girls love the sausage and almost always ask for seconds of the creamed corn.  They both like to pour their own bbq sauce onto their butcher paper.  They both break their plastic forks at least once per meal.

We had quite the different experience last night, though.  Shannon went to get our drinks while the girls and I went to sit down.  I told them "sit here and I'm going to get the forks".  This is the same procedure that has occurred numerous times before.  However, last night, when I began getting our plastic-wear, I see L walking up to me.  She has tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?"  I ask her concerned.

"I'm scared" she cried to me.

Scared?  Scared of what?  She never lost sight of me.  She was with her sister.  Her daddy was also within sight of her.  She was in a "familiar" place.  What was she scared of?

I knelt down, gave her a hug, held her hand, finished getting the setup, and started walking back to the table.  She didn't want to walk, though.  She grabbed at me, held on to my leg tightly, and said she was scared again.  So, I held her close to me as we made our way back to our table.

Once we sat down, she buried her head in to my shoulder, not wanting to let go.  I held her for a few minutes and then began getting the girls' plates ready.  (That is no easy task with one hand.)  L continued crying, not wanting to be untouched.

We did what we could to get her to eat as we stuffed our mouths faster than we've ever done before.  She kept saying, "I wanna go home".  It was heart-breaking.  She eventually went and sat on Shannon's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck as K and I finished eating and cleaned up our table in record time.

As soon as we got up from the table, L started smiling and  saying, "We going home now?"  I've never seen her so happy.

What caused this strange situation?  Fragile X Syndrome.  L was experiencing a high anxiety moment, a common symptom of FX individuals.  No matter what we did, nothing could alleviate her fears.  She was out of her comfort zone for a reason unknown to us, and all we could do was to take her home, her safe place.

I tell you this story of last night not because it was a completely uncommon occurrence or something new.  I am sharing it with you because today is National Fragile X Awareness Day and I want to make you aware of what a typical family outing with a child with Fragile X can be like.  I want you to know what Fragile X is, and how it manifests itself.  I want you to know.

Fragile X Syndrome is the leading known cause of inherited mental impairment. FXS is the leading known genetic cause of autism.  It can cause ADD, ADHD, autism and autistic behaviors, social anxiety, hand-biting and/or flapping, poor eye contact, sensory disorders and increased risk for aggression.  Gross motor skills, fine motor skills, cognitive delays ... the list is seemingly endless.

The one thing I know for sure, though, about Fragile X Syndrome is this:  I love my daughter that is affected.  I love my friends' children who are affected.  They are all beautiful, loving, caring people who have taught me more about life than the 30 years of living before knowing about FX.  We have been blessed beyond measure, and for that, I am truly thankful.

For more information, please visit www.fraxa.org or www.fragilex.org.  Now, learn something new today, and go out and spread the word!

The Love of Friends

Back in February, I wrote about a new "program" three of my friends and I were starting.  A page was created on Facebook titled "She-Woman-Weight-Haters Club".  This is a place for the four of us to go and tell each other what we have eaten each day, what exercises we've done, etc.  The only people that can see it are the four of us.  That gives us the freedom to be open with each other, post our real weights each week, and state our goals.

It's also served as so much more, to me at least.  It has allowed me to realize the true meaning of friendship.  We've talked about so much more on this page than just our weights and body sizes.  Things from our regular, busy, and stressful lives have spilled over and become bonding experiences.  I've been able to talk about things in this group that I never thought I'd be comfortable talking about with anyone.  I've shared my feelings, vented, screamed, and cried on this page.  I've also celebrated, danced, smiled, and laughed. 

Sometimes, you don't realize how far you've fallen or that you've given up.  It takes special people to make you see it, and help you up.  And while this journey originally began as a "weight-loss" motivator, it's turned in to so much more.  It's helped me out of a pit of despair I didn't even know I'd fallen in to.  It helped put the sparkle back in to my eyes and added a bounce to my step.

I feel like I've become a better mother, a better wife, and a better friend through this adventure.  I'm happier than I've been since ... I don't even know.  Maybe I've never been this happy (which is quite ironic since this study just came out).

I will more than likely not reach the goal I set for myself before I go to Miami in 11 days.  I've still got 2 more weigh-ins before stepping on the plane, but I also still have 7 pounds to go.  I think I've realized, though, that the number's not really what it's about!  I've lost 23 pounds since February 26.  That's pretty awesome! 

However, what's more important is that I'm feeling better about myself.  I'm looking in the mirror and smiling now instead of being disgusted.  I'm looking at my husband and thinking "let's go to bed" instead of "don't look at me".  I'm hitting my real goals which were to feel good in my own skin, look in the mirror without cringing, and play with my kids until they're tired. 

I'm doing this with my friends and with the support of my husband.  But, more importantly, I'm doing this for me.  And I'm succeeding!!!! 

Speak Words of Love

"She's such a retard."

I try my damnedest to let kids be kids. When they're arguing over a toy, I sit back and let them "fight it out", unless it gets physical.  When they're crying, I hug them and console them.  However, when the above statement comes out of a child's mouth, I stop walking, turn around, and say, "I'm sorry??  What did you just say?"

The little girls look at me, fear in their eyes, as one points to the other and says, "She said her sister's a retard."  (I have no idea who "her" or "her sister" is ...)

"No, ma'am.  That word is not nice. We do not use that word." 

It is at this time that the teacher, who has been getting L's breakfast for her, hears me and asks what just happened.  I tell her, and she looks so shocked and so sad. 

I turn to walk towards the kitchen to put L's medicine in her cup and then go to the car to get her pull-ups.  As I'm walking, tears start to sting my eyes and my stomach feels queasy. 

I will be the first to admit that, while I've never liked the word and don't use it myself, I've never been personally offended when others have used it.  I know what people "mean" when they say it, and I'll call them out on it, but I've never had that just-punched-in-the-gut feeling when it was said ... until this morning.

I don't know if it was because a little innocent child was using it in such an obviously negative way or if it was because I was looking at L flapping away in her chair, smiling happily as I was walking toward her when I heard it, but I felt sick. 

Upon walking back in to the room with L's pull-ups, I noticed the aforementioned little girl crying.  The teacher had apparently spoken with her, and now she felt sad and guilty about a word that she probably doesn't even realize can have such an impact on people.  I wanted to hold her, comfort her, and let her know that everything would be okay, but I just kept on walking, unsure of what to do.

All I can hope is that she is old enough to remember this exact moment and realize that words can affect people, both negatively and positively.  Hopefully, next time, she will stop herself and think about what her words actually mean. 

In the meantime, all I can do is love my children and make sure the words they speak are words of love. 

What a May!

This is a month to go down in the record books as one of the worst and best of my life.  I have had such an emotional month that I have a hard time believing my heart's still beating.

First, and foremost, I turned 33. That's only 7 years from being 40!  haha.  Thirty-three!!  That number just seems odd to me (I mean, besides the fact that it's an odd number, for all of you smart-asses out there!)  It seems ... I don't know.  Maybe it seems like this is an age at which I should know what my life is supposed to be about, what I want to do, etc.  Yet, that's not the case.  I still feel just as lost and floundering as ever.  Will that ever change?

Second, I got the official letter last night. I think I was pretty much ready for it, but it still hurt to get it.  I did not get accepted in to the Speech Path leveling courses.  They only took 10 (I called them yesterday).  I was apparently not one of the 10.  The official email notice hit my inbox last night around 10:00.  Boo!  So, now I'm left wondering what my next step is.  I still know that I want to help people, help them accomplish something, feel better, etc. I want to make a difference in someone's life.  That's all I know.  Now I just need to figure out how to do that. 

Finally, and most importantly . . . tough subject here.  Maybe too tough to talk about.  It was the worst moment of my life.  It was the best moment of my life.  My heart is pounding just thinking about writing about this.  However, writing things down can sometimes be cathartic and that is something I need.  <deep breath>

My marriage almost crumpled.  I allowed my love for my husband to get buried under all of the stresses of life.  He, too, allowed his love for me to get hidden behind the curtains.  Divorce was imminent.  There were things we needed to sort out first, so we both just kept letting ourselves get deeper and deeper in the pit of despair instead of taking the time to sit down and actually talk.  Instead of looking each other in the eye and working on it, we just let it all slip away.

And then lightning stuck and thunder boomed, shaking our walls and knocking us to the ground.  When we looked up from our collapsed, bruised bodies, we saw what both of us had been overlooking for years.  There was that person, the one we fell in love with so many years ago.  We were right there the whole time, but we never saw each other through the murky waters.  How we kept missing each other, I'll never know, but there we were.  Two souls who promised to love each other through thickness and thin, sickness and health, better or worse, until death do we part. 

As the tears started to flow and the words came spilling out, we realized that this is the life we still want - the one where we stand, hand in hand, in front of God, declaring our love, honor, and faithfulness to each other and to Him. 

It's going to be a rough road and a long journey, but it's one we want to take together.  We have learned so much in the last few weeks, both about each other and about ourselves.  The most important thing we have learned is that we are able to surprise each other and surprise ourselves with our love and our strength and our ability to forgive.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

STX2OhMy!

I was standing in a fit of laughter and tears.  I look at L's teacher and say, "I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying right now."

I had gone to pick L up from school, as I do every day.  She comes walking out with her classmates and sits on the bench beside me.  I stand up to talk to her teacher, inform her about the study that L has entered in to.  (She started taking some pills as part of a Fragile X drug trial called STX209.)  That's when it all starts . . .

It rained just a little bit this morning, enough to leave small puddles on the sidewalk.  I look over and see L jumping around in circles, bounding up in down in a few puddles, with her socks and shoes off.  When did she have time to do that!?

I look at her teacher and we both giggle.  I look back at L, who has proceeded to walk further down the walk way, and she is pulling her second leg out of her pants.

There's my daughter, standing there in her (oversized, thank goodness) t-shirt and pull-up.  No pants. No socks. No shoes.  Just bare legs from the hips down.

By this time, tears are running down my face and I am hiding behind a column of bricks because I just can not stop laughing. This is not a time to laugh! That only encourages the behavior.  But it's impossible not to, especially for me ;)

One of her teachers is able to bring L back to the porch where she proceeds to attempt to put L's pants back on.  L suddenly turns in to a soft pretzel. Legs cross, arms flail like she's made of rubber, body morphs in to a water wigglie, lacking control, even from an outside source.  This is about the time I say my quote mentioned above.

It was quite a sight, seeing 3 grown women unable to maneuver this 5 year old child into a position to put on her clothes.  She finally gets her pants put back on and takes off down the walk way again. (She's a fast little sucker!)

Since she is not responding to my beckoning, I take off my high heels (what a day to choose to wear a dress and heels, huh? -- yes! I own some!!) and go down to get her.  I put my shoes back on and proceed to carry a 39 pound mass of gel that is bent in half, backward, down the steps to my car.  How I didn't fall and/or break a heel, I have no idea!

The car ride to daycare was not lacking in entertainment, either.  Apparently, she managed to get a kazoo inside the vehicle and had no qualms about creating the most interesting, loud, and animated song I've ever heard.  I broke out in fits of laughter several times in that 20 minute drive.

Suffice it to say, something happened to my child today.  I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but the only change has been the meds.  It doesn't seem as though it's possible, seeing as she's only taken 3 pills so far, but if this is an effect of those . . . it should be an interesting 4 months!!!!

(Un)answered Prayers

There are a lot of things going on in my life, a lot of changes.  I have so many decisions to make, none of which are easy, and all of which will affect every person in my house, and a few outside of it.

As you may know, I've applied for leveling classes for a Speech Pathology program.  Basically, the leveling classes are courses I have to take that my English degree did not require but a Communication Disorders degree does.  These classes have to be taken before I can apply for the graduate program.  My application was sent in in December (the due date was April 1).  I'm still waiting for a reply of acceptance or rejection.  I'm not used to waiting for such an important decision.  I want to know now and my patience is running out. lol.

Additionally, every day, it is getting harder to drop the girls off at daycare and head in to work.  A few months ago, the girls started looking me in the eye and asking if they could go home with me instead of going daycare.  There was no prompting in this, I never mentioned possibly quitting work and going back to school and staying home with them.  It was just out of the blue.  And both of them!  It's like they had a secret pow-wow in their room in their own language and decided to ambush me with Puss-in-Boots eyes!  How do they do that!?

This got me to thinking . . . even if I don't make it in to the program, can I afford to stay home with my children.  They seem to be adamant about wanting to be with me, and how can you say no to that if you can afford it?  And do I quit work altogether?  Do I ask if I can go part-time?  Do I apply to be a substitute teacher for the schools?  If so, what do I do with K on those days?

So, I've been praying and praying hard.  I don't have the answers.  I don't know the right choice to make.  So, I pray.  And I think hard.  And I pray some more.  And then I realize my problem . . .

I have no clue how to know if God is talking to me.  I hear people all the time saying, "God told me to do (fill in the blank)."  How do you know?  What is it that makes you realize that He is telling you to do something versus what your guilt/desire is saying?  How do you differentiate between what you think is right versus what He says is right?  Do you actually hear His voice?  Is it just a feeling?  Are you supposed to be nauseous when you think you might know the right answer?  Are you supposed to be scared shitless?  From everything I've ever learned, when God gives you an answer, you're not supposed to be scared because you know that you're going to be taken care of if you follow. 

But how do you know?