Wednesday, April 18, 2012

(Un)answered Prayers

There are a lot of things going on in my life, a lot of changes.  I have so many decisions to make, none of which are easy, and all of which will affect every person in my house, and a few outside of it.

As you may know, I've applied for leveling classes for a Speech Pathology program.  Basically, the leveling classes are courses I have to take that my English degree did not require but a Communication Disorders degree does.  These classes have to be taken before I can apply for the graduate program.  My application was sent in in December (the due date was April 1).  I'm still waiting for a reply of acceptance or rejection.  I'm not used to waiting for such an important decision.  I want to know now and my patience is running out. lol.

Additionally, every day, it is getting harder to drop the girls off at daycare and head in to work.  A few months ago, the girls started looking me in the eye and asking if they could go home with me instead of going daycare.  There was no prompting in this, I never mentioned possibly quitting work and going back to school and staying home with them.  It was just out of the blue.  And both of them!  It's like they had a secret pow-wow in their room in their own language and decided to ambush me with Puss-in-Boots eyes!  How do they do that!?

This got me to thinking . . . even if I don't make it in to the program, can I afford to stay home with my children.  They seem to be adamant about wanting to be with me, and how can you say no to that if you can afford it?  And do I quit work altogether?  Do I ask if I can go part-time?  Do I apply to be a substitute teacher for the schools?  If so, what do I do with K on those days?

So, I've been praying and praying hard.  I don't have the answers.  I don't know the right choice to make.  So, I pray.  And I think hard.  And I pray some more.  And then I realize my problem . . .

I have no clue how to know if God is talking to me.  I hear people all the time saying, "God told me to do (fill in the blank)."  How do you know?  What is it that makes you realize that He is telling you to do something versus what your guilt/desire is saying?  How do you differentiate between what you think is right versus what He says is right?  Do you actually hear His voice?  Is it just a feeling?  Are you supposed to be nauseous when you think you might know the right answer?  Are you supposed to be scared shitless?  From everything I've ever learned, when God gives you an answer, you're not supposed to be scared because you know that you're going to be taken care of if you follow. 

But how do you know?

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