This is a month to go down in the record books as one of the worst and best of my life. I have had such an emotional month that I have a hard time believing my heart's still beating.
First, and foremost, I turned 33. That's only 7 years from being 40! haha. Thirty-three!! That number just seems odd to me (I mean, besides the fact that it's an odd number, for all of you smart-asses out there!) It seems ... I don't know. Maybe it seems like this is an age at which I should know what my life is supposed to be about, what I want to do, etc. Yet, that's not the case. I still feel just as lost and floundering as ever. Will that ever change?
Second, I got the official letter last night. I think I was pretty much ready for it, but it still hurt to get it. I did not get accepted in to the Speech Path leveling courses. They only took 10 (I called them yesterday). I was apparently not one of the 10. The official email notice hit my inbox last night around 10:00. Boo! So, now I'm left wondering what my next step is. I still know that I want to help people, help them accomplish something, feel better, etc. I want to make a difference in someone's life. That's all I know. Now I just need to figure out how to do that.
Finally, and most importantly . . . tough subject here. Maybe too tough to talk about. It was the worst moment of my life. It was the best moment of my life. My heart is pounding just thinking about writing about this. However, writing things down can sometimes be cathartic and that is something I need. <deep breath>
My marriage almost crumpled. I allowed my love for my husband to get buried under all of the stresses of life. He, too, allowed his love for me to get hidden behind the curtains. Divorce was imminent. There were things we needed to sort out first, so we both just kept letting ourselves get deeper and deeper in the pit of despair instead of taking the time to sit down and actually talk. Instead of looking each other in the eye and working on it, we just let it all slip away.
And then lightning stuck and thunder boomed, shaking our walls and knocking us to the ground. When we looked up from our collapsed, bruised bodies, we saw what both of us had been overlooking for years. There was that person, the one we fell in love with so many years ago. We were right there the whole time, but we never saw each other through the murky waters. How we kept missing each other, I'll never know, but there we were. Two souls who promised to love each other through thickness and thin, sickness and health, better or worse, until death do we part.
As the tears started to flow and the words came spilling out, we realized that this is the life we still want - the one where we stand, hand in hand, in front of God, declaring our love, honor, and faithfulness to each other and to Him.
It's going to be a rough road and a long journey, but it's one we want to take together. We have learned so much in the last few weeks, both about each other and about ourselves. The most important thing we have learned is that we are able to surprise each other and surprise ourselves with our love and our strength and our ability to forgive.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13