There are times in your life when you have to look deep inside, in the places you keep hidden, to really evaluate yourself, your life, your choices. You have to really acknowledge your feelings, maybe even . . . cry.
I've done a lot of that this week, evaluating, crying. If you know me, you know I'm not a crier. I'm sensitive, I'm emotional, but I'm not a crier. I was taught from an early age that tears don't accomplish anything. Unless you were bleeding or had a bone sticking out of your arm, there really wasn't a reason to cry.
Needless to say, to find myself covered in tears this week . . . well, it was a shock. But they were tears that needed to be shed. They came from deep within. They showed my pain that I didn't even know I was hiding. They showed the emotions I didn't know I had. They showed that I wanted things to work out, to get better, to be good. They were tears of change. They were tears of healing.
There was a lot of soul searching this week - what do I really want out of life? What would help me to get that, to be there? Who can help guide me in the right direction?
It's never easy to acknowledge your faults. It's even harder to realize that maybe, just maybe, people care enough about you to point them out to you, but they love you anyway. And hardest of all, is recognizing that it's okay to let those people in, to let them love you, to let them help you, no matter how independent you think you are.
Of course, none of the answers are easy. None of the changes will be easy. But, for the first time, I was able to really discover these issues, really communicate my desires. Almost all of them were accompanied by tears. And for the first time, I think I understood that . . . that was okay.