Monday, November 21, 2011

What about me?

I've always thought that K would be L's keeper, her confidante, her protector, and her best friend.  K would always be there for L no matter what happened, loving her and supporting her and helping her.  But what about that day when K realizes something's just not quite right?  That day will come soon enough.  K will look to me or to Daddy and ask why L's not doing this or saying that.  This scenario isn't really that scary.  I anticipate this one.  It's the next one that frightens me to the bone. . .

I don't know why I never really thought about it before, but today, a whole new scenario hit me.  I was reading "Fragile X, Fragile Hope" when the author's older boy (typically developing) says, "Will Zach always have Fragile X?"  I almost started crying reading those 6 innocent, yet painful words.  I know that I've been there, as the parent, as the one who's supposed to love my children unconditionally.  Even as the biggest supporter of her, her biggest fan, her mommy, I've been there.  That moment when I resent her situation and her diagnosis.  There.  I said it.  There have been times I've resented the fact that my baby girl may never achieve the dreams I have for her.  The days that I hate our situation.  When I can't stand listening to her one more moment saying nonsensical "words", screeching at the top of her lungs for no reason, the days when she's almost 5 and NOT using the potty.  

But what about when K feels this way?  How do I deal with it?  She may look at me one day and say, "Will L ALWAYS be like this" or "it's not fair" when L gets away with something K would never get away with b/c L just doesn't understand what she's doing.  How can I be sure that K doesn't resent her sister or her disabilities or the time it takes her to do things?  How do I tell my youngest daughter to love her sister no matter what when I know how she feels?    And better yet, how do I always make sure that K knows she can feel open to talk to me about these things? 

1 comment:

  1. Just be honest with her as you are being honest with yourself and the world. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and everyone knows that even at your worst moments, you are an amazing and strong mother who loves both of her girls more than anything. I think it will be like most sibling cases.... There are times when siblings dislike each other even without disabilities being involved.... But even in those moments, there is always love. Since you are already aware and accepting that this challenge will happen someday, I feel like you are more prepared than you know :) you are already doing the hardest part.... Leading by example!