Defeated

Do you ever feel just absolutely defeated? Drained. Done.

That is the way my life feels right now. I have no control over anything. I can't sleep. I stay tired. I have no energy. I have pain in various parts of my body that I can't help. And if it doesn't hurt, it goes numb.

I have been to doctor after doctor and taken test after test. I have been a pin cushion. I have given pints of blood. I have had electrode stimulation and x-rays and MRIs. I've been pushed and prodded. I've been stuck with needles and left with bruises. Physical therapy? Yup. Drugs? Yup. Cortisone shots? Yup.

Anything helped? Nope.

So, every day, I wake up just hoping for a good day. One that I can get through without wanting to cry. Without needing to take more Tylenol, Advil, Ibuprofen, whatever gets me through the day. I go days without taking anything because I know my kidneys need the break, not because I don't need the pain relief. Those days are the worst.

Then I go to bed praying to be able to sleep. I try to get my brain to stop and my body to relax. I finally fall asleep only to be woken back up by a numb hand, a hurting shoulder, a back that resists movement. I wake up hours before my alarm clock hoping to just be able to go to sleep again.

About twice a month I find myself letting my coworkers know I will "be late to work" because I have to sleep in or I won't be able to function. The guilt associated with that weighs me down, but I know that it's the only way my body can handle just one more day.

Most of the time on my way to work, as I have time to think, I fight back the tears that develop as I realize that I am not in control. Doctors can't seem to figure out what's causing the pain, but I know it's there. Medicines don't help and most wind up making me sick. I have no control. I am at a loss.

I feel defeated.