What a May!

This is a month to go down in the record books as one of the worst and best of my life.  I have had such an emotional month that I have a hard time believing my heart's still beating.

First, and foremost, I turned 33. That's only 7 years from being 40!  haha.  Thirty-three!!  That number just seems odd to me (I mean, besides the fact that it's an odd number, for all of you smart-asses out there!)  It seems ... I don't know.  Maybe it seems like this is an age at which I should know what my life is supposed to be about, what I want to do, etc.  Yet, that's not the case.  I still feel just as lost and floundering as ever.  Will that ever change?

Second, I got the official letter last night. I think I was pretty much ready for it, but it still hurt to get it.  I did not get accepted in to the Speech Path leveling courses.  They only took 10 (I called them yesterday).  I was apparently not one of the 10.  The official email notice hit my inbox last night around 10:00.  Boo!  So, now I'm left wondering what my next step is.  I still know that I want to help people, help them accomplish something, feel better, etc. I want to make a difference in someone's life.  That's all I know.  Now I just need to figure out how to do that. 

Finally, and most importantly . . . tough subject here.  Maybe too tough to talk about.  It was the worst moment of my life.  It was the best moment of my life.  My heart is pounding just thinking about writing about this.  However, writing things down can sometimes be cathartic and that is something I need.  <deep breath>

My marriage almost crumpled.  I allowed my love for my husband to get buried under all of the stresses of life.  He, too, allowed his love for me to get hidden behind the curtains.  Divorce was imminent.  There were things we needed to sort out first, so we both just kept letting ourselves get deeper and deeper in the pit of despair instead of taking the time to sit down and actually talk.  Instead of looking each other in the eye and working on it, we just let it all slip away.

And then lightning stuck and thunder boomed, shaking our walls and knocking us to the ground.  When we looked up from our collapsed, bruised bodies, we saw what both of us had been overlooking for years.  There was that person, the one we fell in love with so many years ago.  We were right there the whole time, but we never saw each other through the murky waters.  How we kept missing each other, I'll never know, but there we were.  Two souls who promised to love each other through thickness and thin, sickness and health, better or worse, until death do we part. 

As the tears started to flow and the words came spilling out, we realized that this is the life we still want - the one where we stand, hand in hand, in front of God, declaring our love, honor, and faithfulness to each other and to Him. 

It's going to be a rough road and a long journey, but it's one we want to take together.  We have learned so much in the last few weeks, both about each other and about ourselves.  The most important thing we have learned is that we are able to surprise each other and surprise ourselves with our love and our strength and our ability to forgive.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

STX2OhMy!

I was standing in a fit of laughter and tears.  I look at L's teacher and say, "I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying right now."

I had gone to pick L up from school, as I do every day.  She comes walking out with her classmates and sits on the bench beside me.  I stand up to talk to her teacher, inform her about the study that L has entered in to.  (She started taking some pills as part of a Fragile X drug trial called STX209.)  That's when it all starts . . .

It rained just a little bit this morning, enough to leave small puddles on the sidewalk.  I look over and see L jumping around in circles, bounding up in down in a few puddles, with her socks and shoes off.  When did she have time to do that!?

I look at her teacher and we both giggle.  I look back at L, who has proceeded to walk further down the walk way, and she is pulling her second leg out of her pants.

There's my daughter, standing there in her (oversized, thank goodness) t-shirt and pull-up.  No pants. No socks. No shoes.  Just bare legs from the hips down.

By this time, tears are running down my face and I am hiding behind a column of bricks because I just can not stop laughing. This is not a time to laugh! That only encourages the behavior.  But it's impossible not to, especially for me ;)

One of her teachers is able to bring L back to the porch where she proceeds to attempt to put L's pants back on.  L suddenly turns in to a soft pretzel. Legs cross, arms flail like she's made of rubber, body morphs in to a water wigglie, lacking control, even from an outside source.  This is about the time I say my quote mentioned above.

It was quite a sight, seeing 3 grown women unable to maneuver this 5 year old child into a position to put on her clothes.  She finally gets her pants put back on and takes off down the walk way again. (She's a fast little sucker!)

Since she is not responding to my beckoning, I take off my high heels (what a day to choose to wear a dress and heels, huh? -- yes! I own some!!) and go down to get her.  I put my shoes back on and proceed to carry a 39 pound mass of gel that is bent in half, backward, down the steps to my car.  How I didn't fall and/or break a heel, I have no idea!

The car ride to daycare was not lacking in entertainment, either.  Apparently, she managed to get a kazoo inside the vehicle and had no qualms about creating the most interesting, loud, and animated song I've ever heard.  I broke out in fits of laughter several times in that 20 minute drive.

Suffice it to say, something happened to my child today.  I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but the only change has been the meds.  It doesn't seem as though it's possible, seeing as she's only taken 3 pills so far, but if this is an effect of those . . . it should be an interesting 4 months!!!!

(Un)answered Prayers

There are a lot of things going on in my life, a lot of changes.  I have so many decisions to make, none of which are easy, and all of which will affect every person in my house, and a few outside of it.

As you may know, I've applied for leveling classes for a Speech Pathology program.  Basically, the leveling classes are courses I have to take that my English degree did not require but a Communication Disorders degree does.  These classes have to be taken before I can apply for the graduate program.  My application was sent in in December (the due date was April 1).  I'm still waiting for a reply of acceptance or rejection.  I'm not used to waiting for such an important decision.  I want to know now and my patience is running out. lol.

Additionally, every day, it is getting harder to drop the girls off at daycare and head in to work.  A few months ago, the girls started looking me in the eye and asking if they could go home with me instead of going daycare.  There was no prompting in this, I never mentioned possibly quitting work and going back to school and staying home with them.  It was just out of the blue.  And both of them!  It's like they had a secret pow-wow in their room in their own language and decided to ambush me with Puss-in-Boots eyes!  How do they do that!?

This got me to thinking . . . even if I don't make it in to the program, can I afford to stay home with my children.  They seem to be adamant about wanting to be with me, and how can you say no to that if you can afford it?  And do I quit work altogether?  Do I ask if I can go part-time?  Do I apply to be a substitute teacher for the schools?  If so, what do I do with K on those days?

So, I've been praying and praying hard.  I don't have the answers.  I don't know the right choice to make.  So, I pray.  And I think hard.  And I pray some more.  And then I realize my problem . . .

I have no clue how to know if God is talking to me.  I hear people all the time saying, "God told me to do (fill in the blank)."  How do you know?  What is it that makes you realize that He is telling you to do something versus what your guilt/desire is saying?  How do you differentiate between what you think is right versus what He says is right?  Do you actually hear His voice?  Is it just a feeling?  Are you supposed to be nauseous when you think you might know the right answer?  Are you supposed to be scared shitless?  From everything I've ever learned, when God gives you an answer, you're not supposed to be scared because you know that you're going to be taken care of if you follow. 

But how do you know?

There's no crying in . . . life!

There are times in your life when you have to look deep inside, in the places you keep hidden, to really evaluate yourself, your life, your choices.  You have to really acknowledge your feelings, maybe even . . . cry. 

I've done a lot of that this week, evaluating, crying.  If you know me, you know I'm not a crier.  I'm sensitive, I'm emotional, but I'm not a crier.  I was taught from an early age that tears don't accomplish anything.  Unless you were bleeding or had a bone sticking out of your arm, there really wasn't a reason to cry. 

Needless to say, to find myself covered in tears this week . . . well, it was a shock.  But they were tears that needed to be shed.  They came from deep within.  They showed my pain that I didn't even know I was hiding.  They showed the emotions I didn't know I had.  They showed that I wanted things to work out, to get better, to be good.  They were tears of change.  They were tears of healing.

There was a lot of soul searching this week - what do I really want out of life?  What would help me to get that, to be there?  Who can help guide me in the right direction? 

It's never easy to acknowledge your faults.  It's even harder to realize that maybe, just maybe, people care enough about you to point them out to you, but they love you anyway.  And hardest of all, is recognizing that it's okay to let those people in, to let them love you, to let them help you, no matter how independent you think you are. 

Of course, none of the answers are easy.  None of the changes will be easy.  But, for the first time, I was able to really discover these issues, really communicate my desires.  Almost all of them were accompanied by tears. And for the first time, I think I understood that . . . that was okay. 

Freeze!

Darnit!  Another blown opportunity.  I'm so unprepared.  You'd think that, after 5 years, I'd be prepared.  But I'm not.  And that was proven, once again, Monday morning.

I was dropping K off at daycare, the same one L goes to after she's done with school for the day.  We're putting L's sheets in to her cubby and a thing of wipes fall to the floor.  A little girl that L's gone to daycare with for almost 5 years, looked at me and said, "Why does L still wear diapers?"

I stood there, stuffing the sheet into this tiny little box, my brain turning a million miles a minute.  Why does she?  Because she has sensory issues. Because she can't feel when she has to go.  Because it doesn't register that she's eliminating waste.  Because she doesn't know how to use the toilet.  Because she can't control those muscles yet.  Because, because, because. . .

I looked at this little girl, searching for words.  I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing a 5-year old would understand came to mind.  Nothing.  I looked at her, looked at the wipes K had picked up and was handing to me, looked back at her.  I just stood there, frozen.

Thank goodness her mom was still with her.  She looked at her little girl and said, "L's just not ready, honey."

Why didn't *I* think of that!?  Why didn't I think of something!?  I think I get stuck between people needing to know the "why" of things and just giving a simple, matter of fact answer.  "She's just not ready."

Hopefully next time, I'll be ready.

Weight, what!?

I got accused yesterday by my husband of not writing on my blog enough.  I told him, "I tend to write only when I'm irritated, and I haven't been irritated recently."  His reaction?  "Don't you think it's a bit ironic that a blog titled 'The Good' tends to talk about the bad?" 

You got me there!  lol.  So, I thought I'd talk about a new venture in my life. 

Three of my girlfriends and I have started a new accountability program.  All four of us would like to feel better in our bodies.  I guess the ultimate goal would be to lose weight, but mostly, we all want to fit in to our clothes, look in the mirror, and think, "Damn!  My husband is one lucky-ass hombre!!!"

We're all going to Miami in July for a Fragile X Conference.  It should be exciting, fun, and filled with alcohol information.  It would be nice if we could all hit the dance floor together while everyone looks on with envy at the four HOT chicks kicking up their heels, wiggling their booties. 

Our plan is posting our actual weights weekly, exactly what we eat daily, our exercise routine (when we do it), etc.  We're giving each other tips, support, confidence.  We don't judge each other.  If one of us gains weight instead of losing it, we give that person (always seems to be me!) a slap in the back of the head extra guidance and offer suggestions.  It's really awesome!!

It feels so great to have friends that you're comfortable enough with to do this with.  It's been a long time since I've felt so loved and un-judged that I feel I can say and do anything, including posting my weight. 

So, here's to my awesome girlfriends!  May we all meet our goals, continue to support each other, and shake our awesome booties in Miami!!

MEMO: School Drop Off

TO:      Parents who drop children off at school
FROM: Schools in every district of every town

Please be advised - new rules go in to effect immediately and must be followed, or your drop-off privileges will be revoked!

1.  All rules of the road will be considered obsolete.

2.  When turning right in to the parking lot, do NOT allow the fellow parents attempting to turn left from the opposite direction to turn in.  This can allow the traffic to fully back up to the next stop-sign which helps promote awareness of our school's existence.

3.  Do not pull up the furthest possible spot before stopping to let your child out.  Doing so only allows too many cars in to the drop-off lane and does not leave enough cars on the road waiting to get in. 

4.  If the car in front of you is taking too long because their child is special needs and can't jump out fast enough, make sure to come as close to rear-ending them as you can to try to get them to hurry.  If this doesn't work, zoom around them as quickly as you can.  Don't they know your time is IMPORTANT!? 

5.  Ignore the safety patrol that is waving you in or telling you to stop.  They're really only there for the cameras.

6.  Whatever you do, do NOT thank the children and/or staff for helping your child out of the car.  Your tax dollars pay them enough; you shouldn't have to be NICE to them, too!

7.  When leaving the school, make sure to either:
     a) turn left from the right-hand lane, as I'm sure the person in the left lane didn't really want to leave, anyway; or
     b) sit in between the two lanes, check your messages on your phone, change your radio station, drink a few sips of coffee, and block anyone else from leaving for as long as you can.

8.  Do NOT allow students and/or parents who are waiting in a cross-walk to cross in front of you!  You shouldn't have to wait on them to walk.  Don't they know who you are!?  (This one is especially important if it's raining and/or freezing cold.)

Remember - You are important.  You are the only person who is running late, going to work, needing to pee.  You are the only person that has a child (or children) who have to get in to that school.  Make sure everyone knows just how important YOU are!  And do NOT let anyone get in your way, no matter what it takes!!!

Thank you for your immediate action on these new rules.